Beard Revue

Bearding isn’t difficult. Just grow. Or: don’t shave. Sometimes it takes a few weeks to build up a face pilose enough to be complimented on it; sometimes it takes just a night or two. However one harvests and fashions their beard, time is the essential ingredient.

But if that’s not enough information — and it wasn’t for me — there are a few pieces of literature I recommend to any Beard Revue reader.  

Jack Passion’s humorous guide to all things hirsute, The Facial Hair Handbook: 

Allan Peterkin’s One Thousand Beards is more from the perspective of a curious being, probing the history and sociological aspects of the beard:

And, of course, the longest titled beard book ever: Beards: Their social standing, religious involvements, decorative possibilities, and value offence and defence through the ages. It also has one of the best book covers ever.

So that’s a start. And questions are always welcome, of course (just make sure you leave your email addy). 

Happy bearding. 

mb

With the baseball season just out of the bullpen, Malachy Egan presents the 2010 Phillies Facial Hair Guide. For fun: rank your Phillies’ trustworthiness! 

Buy: starfunkel.etsy.com

8.8

Here’s a frightening statistic from ESPN:

According to the NCAA record book, only one bearded coach — former Seton Hall skipper P.J. Carlesimo — has ever guided his team to the final four.

In fact, this beard made it to overtime in the final before Seton Hall fell to Michigan by a single point in 1989 and was worn on the Big East Coach of the Year two years in a row. That’s no small feat.

Last night the NCAA tourney began with the play-in game. This year promises to be exciting. The only thing that’s missing is a full court of bearded coaches and athletes, much to my chagrin. Fortunately we can look back to Carlesimo’s straightforward growth and smile. It was the Ford Taurus of beards — nothing fancy, bigger than a compact and something anyone couldobtain.

Who’s gonna win you bracket?

Postscript: Normally a Ford Taurus wouldn’t garner such a high rating. But the achievement of reaching the finals coupled with the sheer gumption to wear a basketball beard when no one else would, one has to salute this bristly emissary.

9.7

Kevin Flowers has labored nearly 35 years to achieve the perfect beard. With intense concentration and care like that of a bonsai tree artist, he has failed. In categories such as length, girth, color, flair, Santa-ness and toughness, Flowers is no dandy. He excels far beyond the required par. But, sadly, Flowers ends up lacking in the friendly catagory.

Considering only Zeus, the Christian God and The Lord of the Rings film are the only previous entries to have acquired a perfect score, Flowers still fares pretty well.

In regard to the aforementioned toughness, Flowers hardly needs sunglasses or a Harley to make himself look like a BMF. After spotting his fiercely flowing filament flag from afar, you already know the man chews nails like gum and showers in barbed wire.

Aesthetically, Flowers’ wavy beard unfurls outward but is not unkempt. In today’s granola environment, consider this as organic, natural, free-range and fair-trade as you’re going to find in a beard. The color range from bleached white burns to a mother of pearl chin guides one’s eye intuitively through the myriad textures.

One can only hope that every man can experience a beard so rich and full of personality and exquisite glory.

However, I think the best thing about this breathtaking bristle is that it inspires others to begin a beard of their own. Flowers’ 27-year-old son, Erik, started growing a beard last September. Way to up the beard ratio, Flowers clan!