Aaron Draplin

Aaron Draplin beard

3.7

The good news: at least he has a beard.

The bad news:

You know how sometimes you’ll see a fat doctor smoking? Or the obsessive compulsive neat freak who sits next to you at work and their house is a wreck?

Meet Aaron Draplin, the head of the DDC and man responsible for Field Notes. He has designed nearly a bajillion logos. Neat, clean, bold, symmetrical logos. He exploits Futura—a bastion of geometric perfection—to no end. He has contributed to the sleek designs on snowboards for years. 

Draplin also has a terrible beard. Patchy. Not really a goatee, not really a full natural. Weak and lopsided. Like Comic Sans, this beard just doesn’t seem well thought through. Yet, this a-hole goes around flaunting it, showing it to anyone who looks his way.

The sad news: Draplin’s father dons a cotton cluster akin to Santa Claus. 

Photo via leigh mckolay


Editor’s note: Also, there’s this

Ken Jenkins

Ken Jenkins One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest beard

8.2

Ken Jenkins, known for his roll as Dr. Kelso on Scrubs, had a hell of a beard back in the day. In 1974, Jenkins starred in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest at Actors Theatre of Louisville and—I am not making this up—received a standing ovation at intermission. What could possibly prompt that but a ginormous beard?

Jenkins spearheaded a fashion many others would later adopt (later made popular by Farrah Fawcett in 1976): feathering. The dramatic, swooping plumage boasts a plethora of natural textures and colors. Typical of moustachery, Jenkins’ lip curtains steal the spotlight, garnering plaudits from even the smallest, detached audience. 

His is just another in a long line of great beards from Louisville


Editor’s note: Though beardless with no signs of an beard encore in sight, Jenkins is still a good dude. Also, there’s this.

Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs beard

Steve Jobs beard

4.2

iReview

eMac, not iMac.


Full Review

Steve Jobs has a history of creating products everyone wants. But with each product is a reminder that it’s not yours; it’s his.

iTunes music has DRM. Your nifty iPhone has a kill switch. And his beard — everyone wants a beard — is trimmed just short enough to say, loud and clear, This beard is Steve Jobs’ bitch, bitch.

Whereas a little obsessive compulsion has served him well in just about everything, here it proves to be Jobs’ worst enemy. Yes, a well-kempt beard can be awesome. But his is managed the way Gollum manages bling.

Of course, this may be part of the philosophy that champions a functional release with few features over a robust, dysfunctional release. Fair enough. If that proves to be the case with Jobs’ beard, I eagerly await the next release. Until then, Jobs’ beard is like a G4 Cube: cool that it exists, but lacks power and the ability to make a proper upgrade.

Photos via Albert Watson and Zadi Diaz

Colin Meloy

Colin Meloy, Decemberists, Beard

Colin Meloy, Decemberists, It hurts to have a beard!

8.2

Well, it’s about time.

Colin Meloy, singer/songwriter for Portland band The Decemberists, finally grew a beard. And it’s not to shabby.

Meloy’s is a seafaring beard that suits the maritime chanteys in his arsenal, as well as the hairy tradition of folkies (and even some progressive rockers) with whom he is often associated. It’s short, but its breadth fully encompasses the surface of Meloy’s face. Slightly fairer than his crown, his beard brings a complexity to his otherwise ho-hum hipster visage.

Accompanied by thick-rim glasses, flannel and a guitar, this beard becomes the cornerstone of a true Portlander. Welcome to the club, Mr. Meloy.

Photos via Beffery

Jason Bateman

8.9

Feelance writer Adrienne So is today’s guest reviewer as part of a series of guest reviews.

Jason Bateman has made a career about being the level-headed nice guy on Arrested Development and in movies like Juno. Recent follicular developments, however, remind us that this guy didn’t get his start playing the clean-cut straight man. Dude was Teen Wolf Too! Come on!

And for good reason. Bateman has the perfect complexion, face shape and personality to be bearded. His lower facial bristles cling happily to that determined lower jaw and emphasize, as all good beards should, the crinkles around his twinkly blue eyes. He could be Santa Claus in an earlier career incarnation.

The only thing that keeps ole Jase from reaching a perfect ten is the incongruity of his boyishly floppy mop top. We suspect (or hope) that Bateman is aiming for the wavy, long-haired perfection of Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall. It’s a lofty goal, and he’s still got a ways to go…still, kudos, Michael Bluth.


Charlie Chaplin

9.6

There are two people you think of when you see tiny, squared moustache. Both evoke strong reactions (Hitler’s may evoke a significantly stronger reaction). Charles Spencer Chaplin, Jr., on the other hand, is a bag of laughs.

Forever the little tramp, Chaplin’s toothbrush moustache was a logo for the good-hearted vagrant as much as it was a badge of honor.

Allow me to extrapolate on the badge of honor bit. The suit, the hat, the manners and dignity of a gentleman—they’re all part of a costume for a social status to which the funny little tramp aspires. But the moustache is his own. It’s there when the man begins his quest and it will be there when he’s reached his zenith. It will be a constant reminder to Charlie of the (hilarious) trials and tribulations of his journey to the top.

There’s also the more obvious logo: Chaplin’s cookie duster is a flag to identify the hero amongst the many redshirts. Form follows function, folks. If ever there was a better use of the moustache as such a device, I cannot recall it.

And so it is ingrained forever in our minds as Chaplin’s ’stache, a crest of an entire era of film and comedy.

Ad for German hat company Hut-Weber reading, “It’s the hat.”

Re-imagined promo poster for The Great Dictator by Olly Moss.

Stanley Kubrick

Stanley Kubrick beard

Stanley Kubrick beard

7.9

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All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
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All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.

All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.

All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.

All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.

All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.

All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.

All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
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All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.

ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.

ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.

ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.
ALL WORK AND NO BEARD MAKES STAN A DULL BOY.

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All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.


   work     no       makes      a      boy.
All      and    beard       Stan   dull


All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.


All      and    beard       Stan   dull
   work     no       makea      a      boy.


All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.

All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.

All work         All work
and              and
no beard         no beard
makes Stan       makes Stan
a dull boy.      a dull boy.


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                      and              and
                 no beard         no beard
               makes Stan       makes Stan
               a dull boy.      a dull boy.


All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.
All work and no beard makes Stan a dull boy.

Robert “Ozzie” Osband

Robert Ozzie Osband beard

7.5

Ozzie, the telecommunications hobbyist and self-proclaimed space information nerd, has an excellent beard. Though he’s a bit old to be a space cadet anymore, it’s nice to know there is some initiative to put a good beard in space.

Ozzie’s straightforward approach leaves no room for flare, but maintains a well-suited personality. The beard is long enough to inform the casual observer that Ozzie is an out-of-the-box thinker yet trim and proper enough to say “hey, I’m not an eccentric.” The chiaroscuro of flesh and hair may seem basic here, but he masterfully developed it further over time.

Sometimes simple is just better. Also, he’s wearing a spacesuit, which is awesome.

More about this photo

St. Joseph

St. Joseph beard

8.2

Zeppole. Ever heard of them? They’re Italian cream puffs. And Saint Joseph is the patron saint of zeppole because A) Italians love cream puffs, 2) Italians love saints and d) Italians gotta respect a dude who will raise his wife’s illegitimate son.

Though often people thought the Jesus beard was inspired by his heavenly father, Joseph’s beard was more likely the source. Friendly tufts adorned his soft features, making Joseph all the more approachable. Two millennia ago, little kids (like baby Jesus) probably grew up thinking of whiskers the way today’s children think of capes and -man suffixes: reserved for superheroes.

So in honor of an old chin puff, eat a cream puff. Happy St. Joe’s Day!

Zeppole recipe: allrecipes.com

Him

Him Powerpuff Girls beard

7.8

Being an evil, bipolar, cross-dressing arch enemy of the Powerpuff Girls, there isn’t much to like about Him. However, for Him, this frisky poet’s beard is the icing on the flamboyant personality cake.

As much as a pink tutu and ruff might hint to the nature of a man, so too does his beard. And persona and charisma are everything. Regarding Him and his, we have perfect match. Maniacal, measured, curly and pointy; truly this is the mark of a sinister man. This little tuft is also just the right amount to still stroke when coming up with diabolical schemes.

Meet the Beat-Alls is definitely the best episode. Oh, and happy Holy Week.